Little Johnny Jokes
In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she
would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of
the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw element
in the world what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold,
because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is
worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette"
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little
Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."
The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"
He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and
you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"
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One day at the end of class Little Johnny's teacher asks the
students to go home and think of a story, to be concluded with
the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for
the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her
hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken
eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.
Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of
the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the
moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in
one basket." Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too.
Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the
incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." Again,
the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied,
"Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Next up was Little
Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane
was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it
crashed, but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun, and a
machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Then he
landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70
with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he
pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his
machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat,
she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't screw with uncle Ted when he's
been drinking."
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It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for Johnny. As
a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the
students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as
30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20.
Johnny, however, did extremely well; he past 50 right up to 100
without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told
his dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded, and told him
"That's because you are from Alabama, son."
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students
to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it
halfway through without much trouble. Some made it to "S" or
"T", but Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the
end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about
his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to
him. "That's because you are from Alabama, son."
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking
showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his
grade, he seemed overly "well endowed". This confused him. That
night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but
mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from
Alabama?" he asked.
"No son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."
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A teacher notices that Little Johnny, at the back of the class,
is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying
attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite
embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been
circumcised and he's quite itchy.
The teacher has him go down to the principal's office to phone
his mom, and ask her what he should do about it.
He does this, returns to the class, sits down in his seat and
suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room.
Back down the teacher goes, only to find him sitting at his desk
with his penis hangin out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom." she says.
"I did," he says, "and she told me that if I could stick it out
till noon she'd come and pick me up from school."
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It was the end of the school year. The teacher had turned in her
grades; there was nothing really for the class to do.
All the kids were restless and it was near the end of the day. So
the teacher thought of an activity. She said, "The first ones to
answer correctly the questions I ask may leave early today."
Little Johnny said to himself, "Good, I'm smart and I want to get
outa here."
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
But before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham
Lincoln?"
The teacher said, "That's right, Susie. You may go." Johnny was
mad that Susie had answered first.
The teacher asked, "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" But before Johnny
could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King!"
The teacher said, "That's right, Mary. You may go." Johnny was
even madder than before. Mary had answered first. The teacher
asked, "Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy piped, "John Kennedy!"
The teacher said, "That's right, Nancy. You may go." Now Johnny
was furious! Nancy had answered first.
Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny muttered, "I wish
these girls would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher spun around. "WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny said, "BILL
CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"
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