romi
Member
Posts: 328
Registered: 2-19-2003
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ANIMALS JOKES
There are two cows in a field.
One says to the other, "So what do you think of mad cow disease?"
The other replies, "I dunno, I'm a chicken!
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Question:
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Answers: According to....
A KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good of man.
ARISTOTLE:It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
HIPPOCRATES:To improve its circulation.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was
much rejoicing.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
RICHARD M. NIXON:The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
BILL CLINTON:I did not, and I repeat, I did not have relations with that chicken.
GEORGE BUSH:To prove he isn't our enemy.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
JERRY SEINFELD:Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all
over the place, anyway?"
FREUD:The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying frustratration with your mother
BILL GATES:Who cares about that chicken when I just released the new Chicken Office 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file
your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross
roads.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. he transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:To die. In the rain.
DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why he crossed, I've not been told!
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for
us.
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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow.
The horse falls into a mud hole and was sinking.
He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.
The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmers mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the
bumper.
He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again and the chicken falls into the mud hole.
The chicken yells to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse says, "I think I can stand over the hole!"
So he stretches over the width of the hole and says, "Grab for my "thingy" and pull yourself up". And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a mercedes to pick up a chick!
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romi
Member
Posts: 328
Registered: 2-19-2003
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A bear is chasing a rabbit through a forest. They find a bottle and decide to rub it. A genie pops out. He says "I will grant each of you three
wishes."
The bear says "I wish all the bears in the forest were females." *poof* It's done.
The rabbit says "I wish for a motorcycle." *poof* It's done.
The bear says "I wish all the bears in this country were females." *poof* It's done.
The rabbit says "I wish for a lifetime supply of carrots back at my house." *poof* It's done.
The bear is thinking to himself "why is the rabbit wasting his wishes on stupid small things? oh well." "And for my third wish, I wish that all the
bears in the world were female." *poof* It's done.
The rabbit says "For MY last wish, I want the bear to be gay." And he rides off on his motorcycle.
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Dog named sex
Jokes Rating: ( 118 votes )
Views: 2972
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot".
I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would
like a license for Sex.
He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!"
He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old."
He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.
He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex."
He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.
The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my
wife and a special room for Sex.
He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I
told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets.
"You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me
after I was married."
The Judge said, "Me too!" Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the
alley at 4 o'clock in the morning.
I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with
that dog than I ever foresaw.
Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been
my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should
understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
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Sidewinder 42
Member
Posts: 162
Registered: 2-26-2003
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Member Is Offline
Mood: Suicidal 
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A young boy, about eight years old, was at the store picking out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly,
asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said. "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not stopped by this and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of
washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store doing some shopping. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer said, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh I'm sorry. How did he die?"
"I think it was the spin cycle."
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